Rev. Davide Cantarella

December 11, 2011 – Sex.Life

For over two months we have been exploring Jesus' idea of the Kingdom of God and therefore the meaning and shape of the Christian life.

We have said that being a Christian goes beyond having an experience of salvation, go to church, read the Bible and pray regularly, and telling others about our faith. All of these are very good and extremely important. But being a Christian is more – it is following Jesus and modeling our life after his. When we read the Gospels attentively, we realize that Jesus had this dream that he called "The Kingdom of God” - a new way of living, a new society that starts small and gradually grows to encompass the entire world. It is based on the essential idea that when God rules our lives, EVERYTHING changes; everything in  our life finds its proper place in a coherent picture. We begin to see that we are interconnected and need each other to become who we are meant to be; and if we are interconnected, then we have an obligation to live in loving and harmonious relationships with others. Which in turn means that we need to care for other people's needs – even the people we do not know. It means that together we are called to live wise, committed lives using every opportunity - in church but also at home and at work – to help this dream of Jesus become a reality in us and everywhere. You and I know well that we only have one life. Yes, our life is made up of many pieces that at times feel disconnected. But following Jesus means that ALL the pieces of our life participate in the making of this new society, this dream that we call "The Kingdom of God”.   

And so, what about sex? In theory, if all the pieces of our lives participate in the building of the Kingdom of God on earth, then what we think, believe and do with regards to sex has a role to play. And, as you can easily guess, this could be either a positive or a negative role. So, whether we have thought about this or not, sex and the Kingdom of God are related.

I do not know whether you have noticed it, but we live in a society that is saturated with sexual images. Long gone are the days when people here used to say "there is no sex in the Soviet Union” by which they meant that there were no sex scene on TV. Things have changed quite radically. We are now bombarded with sex scenes in movies, tv shows, video clips, commercials, the internet and even books. It's everywhere.

And since TV forms the opinion on sex for 53% of Russian children, the results of this constant pressure is that today about 10% of all adolescents begin having a sex life before they turn 14, and 40% before they turn 16, which means that by the time they marry they have had five or more partners. Often times these sexual encounters occur under the influence of alcohol and drugs, which for about 70% of young people makes casual sex more likely to happen. Of course, 19% of 14-year old sexually active girls get pregnant, and these pregnancies in 95% of cases result in abortions. 25% of them will eventually become sterile.

These are just the statistics about youth. If we were to look at the attitude of adults in Russia, we would find out that in general Russians think that partners should be "experienced” before entering marriage, and that marriage isn't actually all that important and is progressively being replaced by cohabitation – an arrangement that provides benefits but little responsibility. Russians in general believe that relationships should be committed, but 30% of Russians believe that marital unfaithfulness at times is permissible.

There is also a whole different category of people in this country that I have seldom met in other places. Singles who want a child. In the past few weeks the country has learned that singer Philip Kirkorov became a father with the help of a surrogate mother in the USA. That's one (strange) case, but that's not what I had in mind. What I have in mind is the plethora of single ladies, about in their thirties, not married, who are pressured by friends and family to give birth, because if they don't have a child now, then when? So Alexandra, a 29-year-old lawyer who lives in the Moscow suburbs, is getting married soon because she doesn’t want to become the black sheep of her family.

"All my friends, my cousins and sisters are married and have children. They always ask me, ‘What are you waiting for?’ I can’t waste any more time; I’m almost 30! I’m getting married, and if my marriage doesn’t go well, at least I'll have my child.” I am sure you can see the logic.

So, you can see that we live in a society in which we are encouraged to start our sexual life early and to have as much experience as possible before we get married. If we are married, we are encouraged to look for other opportunities to be intimate. If we are not married, we are encouraged to pursue relationships with little or no commitment, and if things don't go well, we can console ourselves with children who grow up with just one parent – a problem few people seem to perceive as serious.

So, this is the reality we face day after day. This is the mentality that we meet in the workplace among our colleagues, at home with some of our relatives, at school with our fellow students and our friends, on TV, in movies, on the internet. It's a constant pressure and it's everywhere.

Are you surprised, then, that some believers give in to this pressure and little by little begin making wrong choices? Are you surprised that believers start cohabit with their boyfriends or girlfriends? Are you surprised that believers are unfaithful to their spouse? Are you surprised that they procreate outside of marriage? There is a lot of pressure on them and they give in. I am not surprised. But believe me, every time it happens it breaks my heart. And I am pretty sure it breaks God's heart as well because it destroys His dream of a new, just, holy society. It breaks His heart because with our mouth we say that His dream is our dream, but with our actions we say the contrary.

So, how does following Jesus affect our sexual life? How does it affect the choices that we make? And how do our choices help build the new society God has in mind?

First of all, let me destroy the myth that says that Christianity and Christians don't think sex is important, or that it is something dirty that should not be talked about. This is a lie.

There is nothing wrong with sex. In fact, the Christian vision of life has a place for sex because God is our Creator and He created us as social beings. Humans tend to associate with other humans and don't like being alone. Deep within us there is a desire for closeness and intimacy. It is out of this desire that we come together to create families.

We are social beings. But beyond that, we are sexual beings. We have been created as males and females. We see the world through a body, a mind, thought processes that are connected to being male or female. It's not just sexual organs that make us who we are. It's an entire universe – a mystery. The male mystery and the female mystery. And these mysteries differ from each other. And at times they have a hard time understanding each other. But when they come together, these two mysteries form an even greater mystery – the mystery of love. And the mystery of love gives us insights into the greatest mystery of all – the mystery of God. Not by chance the Scriptures say,

"So God created human beings in his own image.
      In the image of God he created them;
      male and female he created them. ” 

The mystery of being males and females is a reflection of the immense mystery of God. The plurality of genders is a reflection of the plurality within the Godhead. The Triune God who created us males and females is a community of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – a community of unity through love. And just as love holds together the mystery of God, so does love bring together the mystery of male and female.

We are sexual being by design. And the mystery of our sexuality is a reflection of the mystery of our Creator. And God wants his creatures to come together and form eternal relationships of love.

This is why the Creator blessed his creatures and said, "Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it.”  This is why, in the Scriptures we find an entire book dedicated to passionate love – the Song of Solomon. It is true that, throughout history, some people who have a hard time admitting that Scripture has no problem talking about love and sex, have interpreted this book allegorically as describing the love God has for his Church. And while it is undoubtedly true that God loves the Church with an everlasting, passionate love, it is also true that God wants human beings to love each other passionately and eternally; and the Song of Solomon is a wonderful book in which this is very clear. (Song of Solomon 4:9ff)

 9 You have captured my heart,
      my treasure, my bride.
   You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,
      with a single jewel of your necklace.
 10 Your love delights me,
      my treasure, my bride.
   Your love is better than wine,
      your perfume more fragrant than spices.
 11 Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride.
      Honey and milk are under your tongue.
   Your clothes are scented
      like the cedars of Lebanon.

 12 You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride,
      a secluded spring, a hidden fountain.
 13 Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates
      with rare spices—
   henna with nard,
    14 nard and saffron,
      fragrant calamus and cinnamon,
   with all the trees of frankincense, myrrh, and aloes,
      and every other lovely spice.
 15 You are a garden fountain,
      a well of fresh water
      streaming down from Lebanon’s mountains.

16 Awake, north wind!
      Rise up, south wind!
   Blow on my garden
      and spread its fragrance all around.
   Come into your garden, my love;
      taste its finest fruits.

God delights when human beings delight in one another and they come together in close, intimate relationships. Because God created us for Himself, and for one another.

But here is the thing that a lot of people don't understand. All of this makes sense only within the context of marriage. It's only within marriage that the intimacy of sex makes sense. Just like the persons of the Trinity are held together by eternal love, so does God want that our relationships and human, sensual love for one another be eternal. He wants us to share our lives with one another forever. And if you think about it, it makes total sense.

Sexual intimacy is giving yourself completely to another person; it is a moment of great vulnerability, openness, and transparency. It is, in a physical way, a picture of the emotional closeness, authenticity and unity we all long to experience in human relationships. And this is why it only makes sense when this deeply satisfying but also deeply risky physical closeness is experienced with someone who has promised before God and men that he/she is going to stick with you no matter what, day after day, year after year, until death.

Unfortunately today sex is not seen by the majority of people as a special gift to be shared with the special person that has committed to living with you for the rest of your life. Consumerism has made sex a cheap good for mass consumption. Sex can be bought; it can be stolen (or coerced), and you can get as much as you want as long as there is someone out there willing to give it you. And for a lot of people sex is almost like taking a medicine – they try to sooth the pain of loneliness, of misunderstanding, of dissatisfaction. And they drink this medicine thinking that it is going to solve the problem. And for a couple of hours it seems that it does. But in reality it does not. And so after a casual sex encounter, they feel as empty as they did before.

But what about people who live together for years and have a committed relationship? Isn't that like being married? So, would not sexual intimacy need to be part of such relationships?

A lot of people think so today. Yet, after experiencing such relationships, a lot of people are changing their minds. Her is Barbara's story:

"We started dating when we were a 20 years old. There was a normal, healthy attraction between us. I perceived it as a form of self-knowledge, a way of understanding what I needed, and this is why I went ahead. So I slept with him. Interestingly, after the first time, even though I was in love and he was in love, there was no joy, but only tears that I hid from him. There was no logic – all is well, I love him, we live together. But deep in my heart I wanted marriage. But we seemed to have no reason to hold on to the rule that says, first marriage, then sex. I even asked my parents. They said to me, "you are a big girl and should decide for yourself....”

I only understood afterwards that he was so proud about the fact that we delayed our first intercourse, that he had to "win” me, but in reality he was the one who asked me not to wait too long for this; he almost begged. It was not very manly of him. And so, in order not to seem him disgrace himself any further, I gave in...

In reality both he and I suffered from this, and I am sure that he too is confused now. But we are surrounded: magazines, TV, everything keeps saying one thing "you need a lot of sex”. So, you need to try it, seek, attempt. And unfortunately, by nature I am inquisitive and studious. So I put into practice everything I read in these articles on psychology , even if deep within my soul I thought that it was a lot of rubbish. But I did it anyway – all these ideas about being outgoing, uninhibited,  and the ostensible beauty of long nails, high-heels and mini skirts on a sexy body. So I embraced everything written on those stupid magazines, and I was this modern vamp, who deep within her soul tried hard to find true love among this glimmer and underneath this cover.

But where? Where could I find something real? How to even know what is real if every movie, every magazine, every commercial, every billboard constantly loosen you morally? What I thought was outgoingness and uninhibitedness were actually shamelessness and debauchery. Shameful? Yes, indeed. I wanted to be good; be what a man wanted me to be. And they sold him on the fact that he needed a hot girl that will cook his meal and have sex with him.

So we started living together. I tried hard to be nice and genuine. I thought that's exactly what a man's happiness is. I tried hard, and I thought that sooner or later the feelings that we both so deeply longed for will suddenly come. But they never came.
He was the first to get fed up, about a year into it. He started getting nasty. He intentionally did not do this and that. He also needed feelings. And I, of course, needed love and not him, even if he was strong and handsome. In reality, we simply were not able to love how we should. I did not understand it then. I was trying to express love, but inside I was completely dead-hearted.”

We are social, sexual beings – we have a seep-seated longing to be united to another mystery of the opposite gender. And at times this longing is so strong, it's very difficult to keep it under control. It's painful. And so we look for ways to soothe the pain. For some people it's pornography; for others random sex; for others yet it's long-term relationships, but without real commitment. But the result is that, little by little, in our attempt to find someone who understands our mystery, we end up becoming more insensitive. We switch on the body, but shut down the emotions. And our deep longing to be known actually results in uncovering our bodies, yet hiding our own soul. So, instead of being two mysteries united by the mystery of love, we end up being objects used to take care of hormonal surges, and nothing more.

So the medicine that we think is going to take the pain away, little by little destroys us and takes our humanity away.

Because medicines need to be taken according to prescriptions; and the divine Doctor, the one who created us, and our bodies, and sex tells us that sex is a wonderful mystery. It is exhilarating, powerful and life-giving. It pleases the bodies and fills the heart. But it only makes sense within the context of a life-long committed relationship, a decision made before God and men. In any other context, sex brings physical pleasure and a very broken heart.

And to be a follower of Jesus, living the Kingdom dream of Jesus means that in our deepest longing to be loved, and held, and known we will not turn another individual into an object for our own gratification. We cannot use another person as a medicine for our own emptiness. We will not reduce the mystery God has created to a cheap product. But we will celebrate this gift through committed life-long relationships of love, servanthood, and faithfulness. Relationships that reflect and unveil the very life of God.

At the same time, in the new society of God, we have an obligation to be of support to those who are presently not enjoying marriage. It's easy to say to the unmarried "you need to control yourself” - our sexual needs are being fulfilled while theirs are not. We can (and should) say, however, "I have been there. I know it's tough. But the Lord can give you the strength to be faithful.” But we should also say, "Come on and hang out with us tonight. We love you and want to enjoy fellowship with you.” Being faithful is a lot easier when you know you are loved.

We all have a deep longing to be loved and be understood as the mystery that we are. And there is such pressure on us to uncover our bodies and find someone that will sooth our pain. But the only answer to our deepest need is found in the love of God, and in a committed marital relationship with another human being – a relationship in which two mysteries come together and the mystery of the love of God becomes visible. In such relationship our bodies and hearts can be uncovered because they are in the safe hands of someone who, like God, has promised to love us and stick with us no matter what. These are the kind of relationships that Jesus has in mind for us. This is his dream for us. So, please, let us not settle for any cheap version; let us not settle for any medicine that does not work. Let our goal be relationships that make the very love of God visible to us, and nothing less.